You read all Twilight-books?
You eat, drink, sleep and dream for Edward Cullen?
You want him to be with you? Now?
Too bad that he is not real and will never be!
But new, from Davesknd to you:” The Edward Cullen kit” ™


Introduction:
Thank you for the purchase of ”The Edward Cullen kit”. You have done your part to contribute to Stephenie Meyer´s income and destroy the dream of another strong and independent woman somewhere in the world. We at Davesknd have long thought of what could possibly give the impression of being Edward Cullen´s girlfriend. Sadly we can´t send you a clone of him, mostly due to the fact that DNA gets bad if cloned again. But here we have the best we can do to cash in on your illusion.  

Containing:
-A solid marble bust!
-A cassette recorder!
-An endless-cassette!
-A spray dose of glitter!
-A glamour-shot photo of Edwards’s actor!
-A bottle of musk-extract!
-Nine security cameras!
-Several cardioids-microphones!
-A special Titan-steel-lock! (key unimportant)
-A rabid wolverine with a semi-efficient muzzle!
-A tracker!

Instructions:
The EEU: Apply the glitter to the bust. Don’t be shy with it, it only contains 40 substances that support cancer. Now glue (glue not included) the photo on the face of the bust. Strap the Cassette-recorder to the bust (duct tape not included). The next step is applying the musk-extract on several spots of the bust. Keep in mind that the musk-extract can be purchased from us for 150$ (40$ at any drudgery, but that wouldn’t be the original). The now established construct will be referred to as the EEU (Edward Experience Unit). The EEU will be placed in your bed, for now you can experience sleeping in the cold comfort of Edwards’s body, him smelling as erotic as possible. If you press “Play” on the cassette, you can even experience an endless “I love you more!”-conversation with Edward. You can even have a sexual experience with the EEU. Just ask a person you trust to give you a few sleeping pills and let him drop the bust on your sleeping form from about 1 meter for an hour or two. You will feel exactly like Bella did. (Make-up to cover bruises it not included)

The ESC: Chain the wolverine next to your bed. This ESCS (Edward Self Control Simulator) will allow you to experience the feeling of a predator that can hardly fight his aggression thanks to a condition. Nothing will give you a more urgent feel of permanent danger.

The PFC: Install the lock on your door. Install the cameras and the microphones around your house and the area you live. These installments will be referred to as the PFC (Personal Freedom Controller). Now you will have the secure comfort, of somebody always knowing what you do and say. You will even have issues leaving your house at your free will. And even if you manage to get out, you will never have the issue of somebody holding your door open or helping you with anything normal. Just like in the books. Don´t worry if you render yourself unable to leave the house at some point. You will not need to study anyways, if you want to become Edwards wife and housekeeper.

The DSD: Activate the Tracker. Not only will somebody always know wherever you are, no but this tracker has more amazing uses. For a weekly fee, a specially trained team of rapists/vampires/engineers will follow you and suddenly show up to rape/kill you, or sabotage something around you. They were of course trained to leave you, as soon as you shout “Edward”. The DSD (Danger Simulation Device) will allow you to basically live Bella’s life.


We really hope that you enjoy “The Edward Cullen kit” and hope that you will spend even more money on products based on Stephenie Meyer´s books.